This remake of the French film Anthony Zimmer is meant to be frothy, star-filled fun with a bit of action thrown in, but instead it manages to make time move very slowly for everyone unfortunate enough to be watching.
Lingering shots of Angelina Jolie swanning around various European cities dressed in cream take up most of the screen time. She plays Elise, a femme fatale without a hint of danger or competence but with a dodgy English accent. Elise’s lover is some sort of master thief on the run, and the police have her staked out in case they meet up again.
After what feels like an hour, she picks mild-mannered American Frank Tupelo (Johnny Depp) – a grieving non-entity with decidedly odd hair for a teacher from the Mid West – to be her decoy on the train to Venice. Frank is now in danger because everyone thinks he’s the master thief.
So far, so Hitchcock. But unlike North by Northwest, the film is all McGuffin and no meat. So what if Frank is in danger? The camera’s still focusing on Elise’s neat shift-dress-and-shawl ensemble. Where’s the tension? The laughs? The action? The only light point in the film is when the oh-so-demure Elise orders a scampi and champagne risotto in a posh restaurant, but it wasn’t meant to be a joke.
Director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s last film was the awards magnet The Lives of Others, so it is both surprising that he’d work on this kind of material, and that he’d make such a hash of it.
Jolie and Depp are two of the biggest stars on the planet, but have no chemistry. It feels like Depp, in particular, is phoning in his performance – fair enough, the script gives him nothing to work with, but he how can the man who played Ed Wood have so little character and charisma? A largely British supporting cast is also wasted, including Paul Bettany and Rufus Sewell.
A Hollywood thriller-by-numbers which doesn’t add up, The Tourist is pretty moving wallpaper and a great cure for insomnia.
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